This time last week, we were in a theme park. And not just any theme park. THE theme park. That’s right: The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Orlando. It was GLORIOUS!
The geniuses at Universal came together with filmmakers to create the ultimate book-to-reality immersion experience. Since they’ve done it for one work of great fiction, we wonder if they’d ever consider doing it again..
That’s right. We’re talking about a Hunger Games Theme Park.
Sure, there’s a little more blood and death overtly out and about in The Hunger Games, but it could easily be adapted into a fun-filled family adventure to be celebrated for generations to come! Sort of.
Since the creative minds at your average theme park haven’t got the keen knowledge and skills to develop a Hunger Games theme park in one sitting, we’re here to help out. Don’t worry, guys! We’ve got all the information and specs right here!
Greasy Sae’s - Every unique section of a theme park needs a central dining area. Sure, we could go with the fancy Capitol food theme, but wouldn’t we all be much more satisfied with Greasy Sae’s down home cooking?! It’ll be a cafeteria-style dining room as food must sit on a burner for AT LEAST 20 minutes before it’s served. All workers must be 55+ women with hair nets. Off-kilter accents preferred but not required. It will be just as if you were getting a meal straight from Sae herself!
What’s on the menu, you ask? The specialty dish will be wild dog and rhubarb stew. Also expect rabbit stew, raccoon and wild mushroom kebabs, fried squirrel, and fish casserole. Yum!
The Hob - Here comes your obligatory stretch of shopping! To be true to the films, this will be a isolated outdoor shopping area filled with carts containing all different sorts of merchandise. Naturally, there will be t-shirts and scarves that will let you proudly display your favorite district or character. If you’re willing to lay down the big bucks, you can even get a flimsy replica of Katniss’ interview dress! But there more! How about your choice of fine-crafted imitation weaponry you can use to (pretend to) kill your friends?! Also, school supplies! Goodies from the Mellark bakery! Stuffed Buttercup dolls!
Of course, the most popular cart will be Ripper’s Homebrews, providing the thirsty crowd with the finest white liquor Panem has to offer! Choose between a dinky serving in a plastic cup or a ridiculously expensive souvenir cup!
Capitol Train Adventure - We’re modeled this one after the Jurassic Park River Adventure. The riders sit on the “train” for a tour of the districts. It starts out looking all pretty and peaceful, then the hidden corruption seeps through and you’re racing away from corrupt Peacekeepers who catch you “spying” in District 11! After a massive drop of epic proportions, you end the ride safe in District 13.
Clobber the Careers - A fun, quick game in which three constants are given (plastic) bows and arrows to take into an obstacle course resembling the forest arena. Threatening looking tribute cutouts will pop out every now and then. The first person to shoot down 24 tributes WINS!
The Finnick Odair Experience - Are we ready for a water ride? Let’s start our water raft off in District Four with a nice Finnick voiceover teaching us the ropes, including swimming, fishing and diving! Then we’ll move on to the clock arena, where we’ll help Finnick save Peeta, Mags and Beetee from the grips of the icy cold ocean! There will be lots of topsy turvy curves and conveniently placed waterfalls to ensure you’re soaked completely through!
Don’t let the name worry you.. we won’t give you the FULL Finnick Odair experience. Child prostitution is NOT on the agenda for our park!
Tick Tock - Just outside the exit to Finnick’s wild water ride will be this fast-themed, clock arena themed adventure! This indoor rollercoaster will let you discover the dangerous muttations, tricks, traps, and unnatural disasters in ALL the different sections of the clock arena. Will you be able to outrun them fast enough as you swoop, spin and dive through the arena?!
Hovercraft Hubaloo - Oh no! You’re on the hovercraft to District 13, but your driver is a liquored up Haymitch! Prepare for high-speed loops and inversions, fast drops and slow torture on this extreme rollercoaster!
Rebellion Hellions - A game, ride, and competition all in one! Two units of “soldiers” will be whipped and whirled around the disaster-struck streets of the Capitol. Armed with laser guns, they must take out the Peacekeepers as they move toward the City Circle! However, they must also avoid the innocent citizens searching for safety. The ride comes to a thrilling conclusion when the rebels are given the chance to take out President Snow!
Seriously, who hear wouldn’t visit that park? It’s got food, shopping, games, and rides for all ages! Sounds a little too intense for your average family of four, you say? False! What it actually sounds like is the best vacation ever!
Fear not! We’re turning this into a business presentation with details and “artistic renderings” to send over to Lionsgate and every major theme park as we speak!
We left our common sense in Florida,
The Girl With The Pearl