Filmmakers know what their audiences want to see, people! We fans may think we know what we want to see (read: a Hunger Games movie that’s as similar to the book as possible,) but we don’t have a clue what we really want!
If the rumor mills are correct (and they probably aren’t!), the movie gods have spoken. Here’s what we want to see, whether we know it or not: SEXY!
That’s right. We’re talking Hunger Games: Sex Bomb Edition.
The initial reaction was absolute panic and lots of fans forgetting to letting their heads cool before saying things like “WAIT.. DOES THAT MEAN THEY’RE PUTTING IN A SEX SCENE?!“
NO. That’s not what it means, young grasshopper. In fact, if a sex scene somehow makes it into this movie, I will let everyone who suggested it would happen split my life savings (which is currently around $700. Stop judging me.. I’ve got student loans to pay, man!)
The reaction from fans has been shaky at best. Most of us are old enough to enjoy “sexy”.. though some more thoroughly than others ifyaknowwhatI’msayin’, but there’s one problem: The Hunger Games was not made to be sexy.
Thought-provoking, action-packed, political, maybe even a little violent, but in a way that makes viewers think about the consequences of violence. That’s some pretty deep shiz!
Basically, The Hunger Games is feeling intellectual and badass until SEXY walks into the picture, beats it up and steals its lunch money. For shame!
The Hunger Games needs to be protected from sexy and its devious ways of ruining perfectly good story lines. Therefore, we’ve come up with a few guidelines about what kind of sexy Hunger Games fans want to see:
Not Accpetable: A Katniss/Gale romance
We’ve already gotten word that the role of Gale has been beefed up, but please don’t turn Liam Hemsworth into THG’s beefcake; the Taylor Lautner of Panem, if you will. Gale has feelings for Katniss, but at best, Katniss is conflicted about her feelings toward Gale. But the character stands for a lot more than his rocky love life. If Gale’s new role is sucking face with Katniss in tight cotton t-shirts, we lose the awkward magic that is his journey over the course of the trilogy.
Acceptable: A Peeta/Gale romance
Want your movie to be edgy? How’s this for a plot twist? Then we’d finally understand why Gale hates Peeta so much after he proclaims his unwavering love for one Miss Katniss Everdeen!
Not Acceptable: Katniss Everdeen mostly naked
There are quite a few times that Katniss takes off some of her clothes and bathes in a spring or stream during the 74th Annual Hunger Games. We already know that Jennifer Lawrence looks too good to be real, but let’s not cheapen her natural babeosity with shots of her softly caressing her bare arms and legs while strategically-placed rocks cover her naughty bits.
Acceptable: Peeta Mellark mostly naked (and cleaning his wounds)
Flesh wounds make almost ANY amount of nudity okay! Sure, Josh Hutcherson may be in his skivvies by the stream, but there’s also a giant gash filled with pus erupting off his leg. Nudity ÷ blood poisoning = Non-issue. Plus, wounds are sexy, right?
Not Acceptable: Sexy Haymitch Abernathy
We find out in Catching Fire that Haymitch was actually quite the looker back in the second Quarter Quell, but his looks nor his personality are faring so well these days. Woody Harrelson has charisma by the gallon, but let’s not get too caught up in that and try to make Haymitch into the sexy older mentor instead of the sad, paunchy drunk.
Acceptable: Sexier Effie Trinket
Elizabeth Banks is a great actress. She’s also really good at looking really good. I totally didn’t see those paparazzi pictures of her as Effie that are still lingering around the internet (Get on that, Lionsgate!)… but if I did, I’d notice that they totally do not do Elizabeth or the ornate Capitol sensibilities justice. Yes, her fascinator would make the royal family proud, but can we get her some neon green dresses and platform stiletto heels? Plzkthx!
Not Acceptable: Cato/Clove
Fandom has a way of bending plots: Any two characters who show the least bit of interest in each others’ well-being are a couple. So is the story of Cato and Clove to many fans, but hopefully not to the filmmakers. I would love to see these actors make out in any other movie. Isabelle Fuhrman is gorgeous and fierce and if this were Twilight, Alexander Ludwig and his washboard abs would be forced to do the whole movie shirtless. But in The Hunger Games, Cato and Clove are sadistic douchebags who use each other for convenience and kill a lot of people along the way. And we love them that way!
We’re trusting these movie execs with the fate of our favorite series. The LEAST they could do is adhere to these requests, right?
Got any sexy moments to add to the list, acceptable or not? Sound off in the comments below!
Only we would write this much about a rumor that’s almost definitely fake,
The Girl With The Pearl